Wanted: Skilled Cartoonist

From today's NYTimes:

WASHINGTON, June 24 - President Bush promised the Iraqi prime minister on Friday that he was "not giving up on the mission" in Iraq despite rising pressure from Congress and the public to describe a strategy for gradual American withdrawal. And he shrugged off suggestions that the military and members of his administration fundamentally disagree on the strength of the insurgency.

Directions to cartoonist: draw a picture of Dubya as Charlie Brown on the pitcher's mound. In the background a scoreboard that reads "Insurgents 50, Home 0." All around it is raining body parts. Dubya crying out: "Hey, where's everybody going? It's just a summer shower. It'll clear up in no time! Freedom is on the march, I tell ya! Come back, guys!"

Good grief.

Of Quagmires and (Mental) Pismires

This war has been consistently and grossly mismanaged," Senator Edward Kennedy, a Massachusetts Democrat, told Rumsfeld. "And we are now in a seemingly intractable quagmire."

"Well, that is quite a statement," Rumsfeld, flanked by top US commanders, responded. "First let me say that there isn't a person at this table who agrees with you that we're in a quagmire."

Rumsfeld continued, "No, not a quagmire. Not even close. More like a slough, I'd say. Worse than a bog, certainly, but nowhere near a quagmire. One can make a long, hard slog through a bog, through a slough, but never through a quag."

"And while we are making distinctions," Rumsfeld added, "about all this talk of President Bush's being an idiot. That's ridiculous. An imbecile perhaps. And certainly a moron. No one at this table would deny he's a moron. But an idiot? Goodness gracious no! Remember, the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence--and that applies to brains as well as WMD. An idiot? No, never an idiot, Senator. I deny it, deny it to my last breath."

At this the Defense Secretary rose and excused himself from the hearing, remarking that he had an important appointment with the King of Borrioboola-Gha to discuss a status of forces agreement.

Meanwhile in their first meeting Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim Al-Jaafari delivered to President Bush "a letter from the Iraqi people." It is reported that the envelop contained not only a letter but a quantity of fine white powder. This was wrested away from the President by Secret Service agents before he could set it up in lines.

Funny Stuff!

WASHINGTON (AP). At a White House press conference yesterday President Bush was asked by a reporter whether, given the horrific violence still common in Iraq, he regrets having announced "mission accomplished" on the deck of the Abraham Lincoln two years ago. Mr. Bush rolled his eyes and responded, "But we did accomplish our mission. It's like Turd Blossom said. What we wanted to do with this war was distract John Q. Public's attention while we looted the treasury for ourselves and our rich friends. It was all a matter of disassembling, don't ya see?" The President then glanced in the direction of a group of his advisors, all of whom were grimacing and violently drawing their index fingers back and forth across their throats. After hesitating a moment, Mr. Bush concluded, "But in any event we are convinced that the world is safer with Osama behind bars, that Freedom is on the march, and that Liberty is one very satisfied young lady. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with a sand trap." At this valedictory witticism the assembled press corps chortled appreciatively, thankful for being blessed with a President capable of self-deprecatory humor.

Meanwhile in Iraq four children died when the car in which they were riding was mistakenly fired upon by American soldiers at a checkpoint. No American soldiers were injured in the incident.

battle fatigue

AP WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney, reacting to a growing chorus of calls to close the U.S. prison at Guantanamo Bay where terrorism suspects are held, says there are no present plans to do so. "The important thing here to understand is that the people that are at Guantanamo are bad people," he said.

To which people is our Vice President, Mr. Hal I. Burton, referring? To the detainees or to the soldiers detaining them? Perhaps he has in mind that young stalwart caught pissing through an air vent on a prisoner? Next thing you know that guy will be getting a ticker-tape parade and a Congressional Medal of Freedom. "For pissing above and beyond the call of duty."

Battle fatigue. People sick of the war. Too sick of it to protest it, to demand that it be stopped. A collective sigh of boredom at every mention of Iraq. Almost worse than jingoistic, blood-thirsty support for the war, since it's possible that that passion could be converted into its opposite. But indifference? For that no remedy.

Drug Warriors Victorious!

From today's Washington Post, from an article on the Supreme Court's decision that the feds can over-rule states that legalize marijuana for medical purposes:

"Echoing an argument advanced by the Bush administration, [Justice] Stevens expressed concern that 'unscrupulous physicians' might exploit the broadly worded California law to divert marijuana into the market for recreational drugs."

How horrible. That the same croakers who now divert highly-addictive yet legal prescription painkillers like Oxycontin (RUSH!) into the market for party drugs would do the same with marijuana, a drug about as addictive, about as harmful, as a stick of Wrigley's Spearmint.

Saints -- and John Walters -- preserve us! The Spirit of Harry Anslinger, be with us!

cuchulain resartus

Cuchulain stirred,
Stared on the horses of the sea, and heard
The cars of battle and his own name cried;
And fought with the invulnerable tide.

--W.B. Yeats

From a Washington Post article of Thurs, June 2, 2005:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a war we are winning," Cheney told the 906 graduating cadets, their families and underclassmen gathered in Falcon Stadium. But much hard work remains, he added. "After 9/11, this nation made a decision. We will not sit back and wait for future attacks. We will prevent those attacks by taking the fight to the enemy."

Meanwhile Cuchulain, legendary Irish warrior, spoke to the Red Branch graduating class at their camp on the Irish sea. "For too long," remarked the brawny hero, "we have waited idly by while the waves gathered force to crash upon the shore. From this point on, we will take the battle to the enemy -- hit him before he hits us. King Conchubar calls it 'pre-emption,' and it's a damn fine strategy. So up, me boyos, up and at 'em!" And with this the Hound of Ulster leapt from the podium, ran straight into the surf, and, drawing his broadsword, began slashing madly at the waves -- this while his audience looked on with an air of puzzlement.

Memorial Day 2005

A pleasant day, contrary to forecasts.

I find myself wandering a cemetery in Dunkirk, Ohio --this
graveyard terminus of a tiny parade wherein my eldest son,
a 4-H'er, is marching with his dog.

My two-year-old boy is beside me. He wants poppa to lift him up
onto the monuments to play, is frustrated by my hesitation.

No anxiety in him about desecration, about disrespecting the dead.
In this he is as unselfconscious as George W. Bush placing a wreath.

This my forty-fifth Memorial Day. Impossible heap. My last grandparent
died just a few weeks ago. Fine summer days -- how many remain to me?

We drift past a weathered old stone on the periphery of the yard.
Slight shock of recognition. "Valentine Amspaugh," a Civil War vet,
his final resting place. A tiny flag flutters over the stone, a last
pathetic gasp of gratitude.

How many dead today in Iraq, I wonder?

And my sons -- will their names appear on some future casualty list?

Here comes the band.

Newsweek--author of all our woe!

Inquiry by U.S. Finds 5 Cases of Koran Mistreatment

By THOM SHANKER
Published: May 27, 2005, in New York Times

An American military inquiry has uncovered five instances in which guards or interrogators at the Guantánamo Bay detention facility in Cuba mishandled the Koran, but found "no credible evidence" to substantiate claims that it was ever flushed down a toilet, the chief of the investigation said on Thursday.

[we continue the story . . .]

"Sure," said Brig. General Jay W. Hood, "we creased the Koran, we tore the Koran, we tossed the Koran, we kicked the Koran, we stomped the Koran, we shot the Koran, we burned the Koran, we licked the Koran, we pissed on the Koran, we wiped menses on the Koran, but we never were so disrespectful as to flush the Koran down a toilet. Give us a little credit for cultural sensitivity, will ya?"

Meanwhile the White House through spokesman Scott McClellan has assigned blame to Newsweek for the death of Pat Tillman, recent hurricanes in Florida, and the miserable performance of the Cincinnati Reds' bullpen this season. The magazine has issued an abject apology for these lapses in journalistic intergity. "Jesus what ratpuke we are," remarked Associate Editor Mia Kulpa.

homo homini lupus

Listening on the way to work to a report on a soldier dead in Iraq, a male in his early twenties. Killed by an IED. They profiled him, his family in grief. The older brother recalling fondly his sibling's first deer kill: how he crouched, quiet and still, in the blind, how finally a buck came close enough, how he shot, how the deer flopped, how the boy of sixteen ran whooping across the field to tag his prize.

Picturing the insurgent in ambush. Waiting, waiting for the patrol, adrenaline surging, breath in gasps. Then, as the trucks rumble by, setting off the bomb, the thud and roar of the explosion, the smoke, the fire, the wreck, the screams of the wounded. The exhilaration of the insurgent, his pleasure in mere slaughter.

I snap off the radio in disgust. What abject creatures we are.

good boys!

From the New York Times, 25 April 05

"Rice and Cheney Are Said to Push Iraqi Politicians on Stalemate"

BAGHDAD, Iraq, April 24 - Worried about a political deadlock in Iraq and a spike in mayhem from an emboldened insurgency, the Bush administration has pressed Iraqi leaders in recent days to end their stalemate over forming a new government, with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Vice President Dick Cheney personally exhorting top Kurdish and Shiite politicians to come together.

Photograph caption: Vice President Cheney pictured in the foreground waterboarding longtime Kurdish leader and Iraqi president Jalal Talabani. In the background Secretary Rice, leading a naked Ibrahim Jafari about on all fours by a leash, is apparently attempting to teach Iraq's democratically-elected prime minister to heel.

a few bad apples

From The New York Times, April 23, 2005

WASHINGTON, April 22 - A high-level Army investigation has cleared four of the five top Army officers overseeing prison policies and operations in Iraq of responsibility for the abuse of detainees there, Congressional and administration officials said Friday.

In other news, a high-level Klan investigation has cleared Klu Klux Klan leadership of any responsibility for lynchings and other hate crimes. "It was the fault of just a few bad apples," remarked Bob Bigtree, Klan spokesman. "The Klan has always encouraged understanding of and tolerance toward people of color and other minorities. We are deeply saddened by these unfortunate historical events."

Ave atque vale

This week Dennis Shreefer was fired from his job as afternoon radio personality on WIMA-Lima, "a Clear Channel station." A parade of geniuses has been calling in to gloat and sneer, to tell his replacement how happy they are that Dennis has been canned. Most are insisting that it was his own fault, that Dennis did himself in by being so rude, vindictive, and judgmental.

This is nonsense, of course. Dennis was no more rude, vindictive, and judgmental than the two syndicated shock jocks that precede him: Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. What got Dennis fired was being highly critical of George W. Bush and his gang of thieves. If he had spent the last year bashing John Kerry and the liberal establishment, Dennis could have been TWICE as hateful and still have his job.

It's no secret that right-wingers have difficulty accepting criticism, listening to any view that differs from their own even slightly. Those listeners who were perfectly content when Dennis was bashing Clinton suddenly reached for the dial when he started bashing Bush.

And Dennis's replacement? A local jock-sniffer, which gentleman has made it perfectly clear that he will be happy to be whatever his listeners want him to be in order to keep them tuned to WIMA. Expect a mini-Limbaugh, then, with a dash of Paul Harvey.

Good day!

Rendered Speechless by Rendition

After the 2001 attacks, Bush broadened the CIA's authority and, as a result, the agency has rendered more than 100 people from one country to another without legal proceedings and without providing access to the International Committee of the Red Cross, a right afforded all prisoners held by the U.S. military. --The New York Times 17 March 05

My dictionary lists a dozen meanings for the word "render." Definition number five is "To surrender or relinquish; yield." I suppose this is the intended meaning behind "extraordinary rendition": to surrender, relinquish, or yield a prisoner to another country.

Yet, given the reality of our government's policy --the real world consequences of that policy -- another meaning of "render" strikes me as apropos here, definition number eleven: "To reduce, convert, or melt down (fat) by heating."

I grew up in a small Midwestern town, just south of which stood a rendering plant. This plant's big orange trucks would travel far and wide to collect dead animals which were brought back to the plant to be rendered. We kids always called it the "stink factory," since the stench its processes produced was powerful indeed: the range of offense could be measured, quite literally, in miles. When we rode by it, we would all ritually hold our noses, regardless if we were up or downwind. In our minds, the factory became an objective correlative for disgust.

Yet the odor from this plant was nothing compared to the stench given off by the Bush administration's practice of spiriting off terror suspects to foreign countries, knowing full well that they will be rendered by those into whose hands we deliver them. That's "render" number eleven: To reduce, convert, or melt down by heating.

"Extraordinary rendition" is, of course, a euphemism. In that respect it is like "collateral damage." Some among us have learned to read through the latter euphemism to see the horrific reality behind it: dead women and children, dead at the hands of our forces. So "extraordinary rendition"? Let us call it what it is: the outsourcing of torture. Having other countries do our dirtywork for us. And it stinks to high heaven.

To further illuminate the real effects of extraordinary rendition, we might reflect a moment on the meanings of a word that comes just before "render" in the dictionary, that is "rend": 1. To tear or split apart into pieces violently. 2. To tear (one's garments or hair) in anguish or rage. 3. To tear forcibly; wrest. 4. To pull, split, or divide as if by tearing. 5. To pierce or disturb with sound: a scream rent the silence.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have become what we claim to loathe.

mock borowitz: wolfowitz

-WASHINGTON, March 16. President Bush has given Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz the nod for the job as head of the World Bank. "Paul is committed to development," said Bush at a press conference, adding, "He's a compassionate, decent man who will do a fine job."

At the same press conference, Wolfowitz was asked by reporters about initial policy directives. "First thing, I'm going to do away with those draconian overdraft charges. Jesus, you overdraw your checking account one time, JUST ONE TIME IN TEN YEARS, and the motherfuckers are all over you like ugly on an ape -- like you're the fucking enemy or something." After pausing for a moment to slick back his hair with a great gollop of saliva, Wolfowitz concluded, "We'll see what sending in a few dozen tomahawks will do to soften their resolve, the bitches."

Another turn of the thumbscrews

The Easter Bunny has been very kind to the credit card companies. After years of intense lobbying they finally got Congress to pass an anti-bankruptcy law last week. By this law many individuals who previously would have been able to wipe out their debt under Chapter 7 will now be required to file under the much more stringent Chapter 13. President Bush and other Republicans have praised this law as an effective means of cracking down on deadbeats trying to game the credit system.

True, the number of bankruptcy filings have increased sharply in the last decade. Yet analysts have established that many of these filings are by individuals crushed under huge medical debt. Rather than looking upon this increase in bankruptcies as a symptom of very sick health care system, the Bush administration has chosen, characteristically, to place the blame squarely on the victims. It’s not that health insurance is beyond the means of many honest working class Americans. No. It’s that our society is full of lazy jerks trying to weasel their way out of paying their debts.

(As for those poor, put-upon credit card companies: in the last eight years their profits have increased a mere 163%. Can you blame them for wants to squeeze a bit more out of us?)

So, to those of you who voted Republican in the last election: when you are working that double shift at Valuemart in a futile attempt to pay off those huge hospital bills, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you continue to possess the right to bear arms to protect yourself against gays with the itch to marry.

Appointment Shocker

WASHINGTON, March 7 - President Bush on Monday chose John R. Bolton, a blunt-spoken conservative known for his sharp skepticism of the United Nations and international diplomacy, as the new American ambassador to the world organization. --from NY Times

"Bolton once opined that "There's no such thing as the United Nations," and that if the U.N. building in New York "lost 10 stories it wouldn't make a bit of difference." In 2000, Bolton said, "If I were doing the Security Council today, I'd have one permanent member [the United States] because that's the real reflection of the distribution of power in the world." --from website of American Progress Action Fund

WASHINGTON, March 8 --President Bush on Tuesday shocked many Washington insiders with his appointment of Reynard the Fox as Keeper of the Henhouse.

"Reynard is a highly-experienced, hard-nosed keeper," remarked Bush at a morning press conference. "He has our complete confidence, and we can be sure that he will make those fucking chickens toe the line."

Reynard's comes as the latest in a long line of controversial presidential appointments, including Alberto Gonzalez as Attorney General, John Negroponte as Director of National Intelligence, the Marquis de Sade as Chief Investigator of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal, and William Burroughs as Drug Czar. The last two appointments are particularly controversial given that both appointees are dead. "Dead or alive, they're still good men and I expect them to do a bang-up job!" remarked Bush, who farted audibly to emphasize the point.

Elsewhere forensic experts discovered traces of President Bush's seminal fluid in Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's mesial groove. When asked about this by reporters, a clearly-exasperated Bush snapped, "Well whaddaya think I meant when I called her my 'work wife'?'"

mock borowitz: Iraqi Shocker!

"ABU GHRAIB, Iraq, March 2 - The American military's major detention centers in Iraq have swelled to capacity and are holding more people than ever, senior military officials say. The growing detainee population reflects recent changes in how the military has been waging the war and in its policies toward detainees, the officials say."

The above from today's (4 March 05) New York Times. We continue the story:

"The plan now," said Colonel Schiesskopft, chief executive officer in charge of Iraqi detention and waterboarding, "is to continue to detain more and more Iraqis until we've got the entire native population under lock and key. We're betting this will significantly decrease the incidence of terrorist attacks."

When asked by reporters about this change of policy, White House spokesman Scott McClellan referred to it as a "bold move," and "one that will be good for Iraq, good for America, and, moreover, good for business." No-bid contracts to construct the approximately 50,000 needed detentions centers have been awarded to Halliburton -- which contracts should net the company an estimated five hundred billion dollars over the next ten years. Shortly after the announcement of the contracts, Vice President and Ex-Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney was overheard clicking his heels thrice while humming merrily the tune "We're in the Money!"

McClellan also announced that the White House has named recently-sprung jailbird Martha Stewart to a post as special advisor for interior design in the new prison system. "Looks like this year shackles will be a good thing," remarked Ms. Stewart.

Elsewhere, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez tapped ex-White House correspondent Jeff Gannon as a special consultant on internet obscenity. "We thought Jeff was a good fit for the job," remarked Gonzalez, "a very tight fit."

Go ahead Jeff!

Bushian Theidiocies

My undergrad students have been writing about the Iraq war. Many are reflex conservatives, dyed-in-the-wool Bushites. I show them how all the justifications the Bush administration has offered for the war --i.e., defense against WMD, subversion of a terrorist threat, humanitarian concern for the peoples of Iraq, etc. -- are as leaky as sieves. Some, at a loss for any other way to defend Bush, suggest that he is probably in possession of some secret knowledge that, were it to be divulged, would make everything he does make perfect sense. But of course it can't be divulged, since to do so would be to compromise national security... or something. So we simply have to give our president the benefit of the doubt. Father knows best.

Whence this ingenious defense of their hero? From religion. It's called "theodicy." How to account for the fact that an omnipotent and loving Deity allows evil to exist? The answer: our perception of evil is a misperception -- a distortion of vision resulting from our lack of knowledge. Were we to take a God's-eye view of the universe, could we take in the divine plan in all its complexity, then we would see that the plan is good, perfectly good, and in the end evil is an illusion. Mere mortals, however, can never attain God's knowledge, gain the perspective He possesses, so we must simply have faith in God, in His infinite goodness and in the infinite goodness of His Creation.

What's hilarious, of course, is the equation of George W. Bush with God; the idea that this beady-eyed, rat-brained schemer is on level with the Almighty (epistemologically speaking) and that we should consequently pay him comparable respect, manifest for him a comparable reverence, hold him in comparable awe.

And those sorry-arsed reprobates who refuse the equation? Let them be humbled like Job.

An Army of Fun!

"Actually it's quite fun to fight them, you know. It's a hell of a hoot . . . .It's fun to shoot some people. . . .I like brawling."

The words of Lt. General James Mattis, who commanded Marine expeditions in Afghanistan and Iraq. In response to questions about these remarks, General Michael Hagee defended Mattis, calling him "one of this country's bravest and most experienced military leaders."

"While I understand that some people may take issue with the comments made by him, I also know he intended to reflect the unfortunate and harsh realities of war," he said in a written statement. "Lt. Gen. Mattis often speaks with a great deal of candor."

I wonder, what if some of those being put on trial for torture at Abu Ghraib manifested a similar candor? As thus: "Actually it's quite fun to torture them, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to torture some people. I like humiliating and causing them pain. Tee-hee!"

Would we praise such candor? And why not? After all, those soldiers were doing the job they were ordered to do: softening up prisoners preparatory to interrogation so that those interrogation sessions might be more productive, yield valuable intelligence that might help us win the War on Terror. Wouldn't their candid admission that they enjoyed their work equally reflect "the unfortunate and harsh realities of war"?

Not all the brass leapt to Mattis' defense. "I was a little surprised," said retired Vice Adm. Edward H. Martin. "I don't think any of us who have ever fought in wars liked to kill anybody."

If we can be disturbed by Mattis'"candor," we can be disgusted by Martin's lack thereof. Of course there will be those fighting in war who like to kill people. Isn't combat training, in large part, an attempt to desensitize people to killing, make soldiers more efficient killing machines? And isn't this why so many combatants, when they return to civil society, have such great difficulty adjusting? How does one reverse the conditioning that created tactical sociopathology? How to turn off the "kill switch," so to speak, once you've turned it on?

Rather than prosecuting the "bad apples" who are torturing prisoners or executing wounded enemy soldiers, perhaps we should be going after the "bad apples" who made this war in the first place, who put good and civilized people into a situation that must necessarily brutalize them -- indeed, turn some of them into monsters. As one mother of a disgraced soldier remarked, "I gave them a good boy, they sent me back a murderer."

Deja Vu Again

Hope is a knave that befools us evermore
Which until I lost no happiness was mine
I strike from hell to grave on heaven's door:
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here."

--Nicholas Chamfort

"At polling centers hit by explosions, survivors refused to go home, steadfastly waiting to cast their votes as policemen swept away bits of flesh."

--New York Times article of 2/2/05


Ah, the post-election euphoria! Something about it seems . . . familiar. Perhaps it's like the euphoria most Americans felt at the sight of Saddam's statue being torn down by our soldiers in Baghdad. Or like the euphoria many felt at Bush's victory speech aboard the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln. Or the euphoria some (fewer) felt in the wake of Paul Bremer handing over "sovereignty" to the Iraqi interim government.

Can one develop a tolerance for euphoria, the way one can for cocaine?

So many pundits growing teary-eyed while describing the voter turnout in Iraq! "People actually showed up to vote! Lots and lots of people! Hurrah!"

Well, maybe not the Sunnis, not so much. Hardly at all, in fact.

"But the Kurds turned out in huge numbers, right?"

True enough. And Peter Galbraith reported in the New York Times that these same Kurds, upon exiting the polls, were polled again and voted ten to one that, if they had their druthers, they'd druther form a country of their own, independent of Iraq. Can you say "civil war"?

"Well, how about the Shiites? Huge numbers there, right? Masses of happy people voting [as conservative editorialist David Brooks would have it] against Saddam, against the old tyranny."

And maybe voting against Uncle Sam as well, a little bit? Against his continuing, and heavily-armed, presence in their midst? Voting for him to get the hell out of Dodge?

"But there was so little violence -- I mean, compared to what was predicted."

Fifty Iraqis lost their lives on election day. Fifty people slaughtered. Imagine if that had happened in the United States: fifty people whacked for daring to vote. The election would be considered a disaster, a nightmare.

But of course we are not talking about the United States, we are talking about Iraq, where one has to adjust one's expectations a bit. Lower the bar, as it were, civilization-wise.

Where's my anti-euphoria medication?