Rendered Speechless by Rendition

After the 2001 attacks, Bush broadened the CIA's authority and, as a result, the agency has rendered more than 100 people from one country to another without legal proceedings and without providing access to the International Committee of the Red Cross, a right afforded all prisoners held by the U.S. military. --The New York Times 17 March 05

My dictionary lists a dozen meanings for the word "render." Definition number five is "To surrender or relinquish; yield." I suppose this is the intended meaning behind "extraordinary rendition": to surrender, relinquish, or yield a prisoner to another country.

Yet, given the reality of our government's policy --the real world consequences of that policy -- another meaning of "render" strikes me as apropos here, definition number eleven: "To reduce, convert, or melt down (fat) by heating."

I grew up in a small Midwestern town, just south of which stood a rendering plant. This plant's big orange trucks would travel far and wide to collect dead animals which were brought back to the plant to be rendered. We kids always called it the "stink factory," since the stench its processes produced was powerful indeed: the range of offense could be measured, quite literally, in miles. When we rode by it, we would all ritually hold our noses, regardless if we were up or downwind. In our minds, the factory became an objective correlative for disgust.

Yet the odor from this plant was nothing compared to the stench given off by the Bush administration's practice of spiriting off terror suspects to foreign countries, knowing full well that they will be rendered by those into whose hands we deliver them. That's "render" number eleven: To reduce, convert, or melt down by heating.

"Extraordinary rendition" is, of course, a euphemism. In that respect it is like "collateral damage." Some among us have learned to read through the latter euphemism to see the horrific reality behind it: dead women and children, dead at the hands of our forces. So "extraordinary rendition"? Let us call it what it is: the outsourcing of torture. Having other countries do our dirtywork for us. And it stinks to high heaven.

To further illuminate the real effects of extraordinary rendition, we might reflect a moment on the meanings of a word that comes just before "render" in the dictionary, that is "rend": 1. To tear or split apart into pieces violently. 2. To tear (one's garments or hair) in anguish or rage. 3. To tear forcibly; wrest. 4. To pull, split, or divide as if by tearing. 5. To pierce or disturb with sound: a scream rent the silence.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have become what we claim to loathe.

mock borowitz: wolfowitz

-WASHINGTON, March 16. President Bush has given Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz the nod for the job as head of the World Bank. "Paul is committed to development," said Bush at a press conference, adding, "He's a compassionate, decent man who will do a fine job."

At the same press conference, Wolfowitz was asked by reporters about initial policy directives. "First thing, I'm going to do away with those draconian overdraft charges. Jesus, you overdraw your checking account one time, JUST ONE TIME IN TEN YEARS, and the motherfuckers are all over you like ugly on an ape -- like you're the fucking enemy or something." After pausing for a moment to slick back his hair with a great gollop of saliva, Wolfowitz concluded, "We'll see what sending in a few dozen tomahawks will do to soften their resolve, the bitches."

Another turn of the thumbscrews

The Easter Bunny has been very kind to the credit card companies. After years of intense lobbying they finally got Congress to pass an anti-bankruptcy law last week. By this law many individuals who previously would have been able to wipe out their debt under Chapter 7 will now be required to file under the much more stringent Chapter 13. President Bush and other Republicans have praised this law as an effective means of cracking down on deadbeats trying to game the credit system.

True, the number of bankruptcy filings have increased sharply in the last decade. Yet analysts have established that many of these filings are by individuals crushed under huge medical debt. Rather than looking upon this increase in bankruptcies as a symptom of very sick health care system, the Bush administration has chosen, characteristically, to place the blame squarely on the victims. It’s not that health insurance is beyond the means of many honest working class Americans. No. It’s that our society is full of lazy jerks trying to weasel their way out of paying their debts.

(As for those poor, put-upon credit card companies: in the last eight years their profits have increased a mere 163%. Can you blame them for wants to squeeze a bit more out of us?)

So, to those of you who voted Republican in the last election: when you are working that double shift at Valuemart in a futile attempt to pay off those huge hospital bills, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you continue to possess the right to bear arms to protect yourself against gays with the itch to marry.

Appointment Shocker

WASHINGTON, March 7 - President Bush on Monday chose John R. Bolton, a blunt-spoken conservative known for his sharp skepticism of the United Nations and international diplomacy, as the new American ambassador to the world organization. --from NY Times

"Bolton once opined that "There's no such thing as the United Nations," and that if the U.N. building in New York "lost 10 stories it wouldn't make a bit of difference." In 2000, Bolton said, "If I were doing the Security Council today, I'd have one permanent member [the United States] because that's the real reflection of the distribution of power in the world." --from website of American Progress Action Fund

WASHINGTON, March 8 --President Bush on Tuesday shocked many Washington insiders with his appointment of Reynard the Fox as Keeper of the Henhouse.

"Reynard is a highly-experienced, hard-nosed keeper," remarked Bush at a morning press conference. "He has our complete confidence, and we can be sure that he will make those fucking chickens toe the line."

Reynard's comes as the latest in a long line of controversial presidential appointments, including Alberto Gonzalez as Attorney General, John Negroponte as Director of National Intelligence, the Marquis de Sade as Chief Investigator of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal, and William Burroughs as Drug Czar. The last two appointments are particularly controversial given that both appointees are dead. "Dead or alive, they're still good men and I expect them to do a bang-up job!" remarked Bush, who farted audibly to emphasize the point.

Elsewhere forensic experts discovered traces of President Bush's seminal fluid in Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's mesial groove. When asked about this by reporters, a clearly-exasperated Bush snapped, "Well whaddaya think I meant when I called her my 'work wife'?'"

mock borowitz: Iraqi Shocker!

"ABU GHRAIB, Iraq, March 2 - The American military's major detention centers in Iraq have swelled to capacity and are holding more people than ever, senior military officials say. The growing detainee population reflects recent changes in how the military has been waging the war and in its policies toward detainees, the officials say."

The above from today's (4 March 05) New York Times. We continue the story:

"The plan now," said Colonel Schiesskopft, chief executive officer in charge of Iraqi detention and waterboarding, "is to continue to detain more and more Iraqis until we've got the entire native population under lock and key. We're betting this will significantly decrease the incidence of terrorist attacks."

When asked by reporters about this change of policy, White House spokesman Scott McClellan referred to it as a "bold move," and "one that will be good for Iraq, good for America, and, moreover, good for business." No-bid contracts to construct the approximately 50,000 needed detentions centers have been awarded to Halliburton -- which contracts should net the company an estimated five hundred billion dollars over the next ten years. Shortly after the announcement of the contracts, Vice President and Ex-Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney was overheard clicking his heels thrice while humming merrily the tune "We're in the Money!"

McClellan also announced that the White House has named recently-sprung jailbird Martha Stewart to a post as special advisor for interior design in the new prison system. "Looks like this year shackles will be a good thing," remarked Ms. Stewart.

Elsewhere, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez tapped ex-White House correspondent Jeff Gannon as a special consultant on internet obscenity. "We thought Jeff was a good fit for the job," remarked Gonzalez, "a very tight fit."

Go ahead Jeff!