Appointment Shocker

WASHINGTON, March 7 - President Bush on Monday chose John R. Bolton, a blunt-spoken conservative known for his sharp skepticism of the United Nations and international diplomacy, as the new American ambassador to the world organization. --from NY Times

"Bolton once opined that "There's no such thing as the United Nations," and that if the U.N. building in New York "lost 10 stories it wouldn't make a bit of difference." In 2000, Bolton said, "If I were doing the Security Council today, I'd have one permanent member [the United States] because that's the real reflection of the distribution of power in the world." --from website of American Progress Action Fund

WASHINGTON, March 8 --President Bush on Tuesday shocked many Washington insiders with his appointment of Reynard the Fox as Keeper of the Henhouse.

"Reynard is a highly-experienced, hard-nosed keeper," remarked Bush at a morning press conference. "He has our complete confidence, and we can be sure that he will make those fucking chickens toe the line."

Reynard's comes as the latest in a long line of controversial presidential appointments, including Alberto Gonzalez as Attorney General, John Negroponte as Director of National Intelligence, the Marquis de Sade as Chief Investigator of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal, and William Burroughs as Drug Czar. The last two appointments are particularly controversial given that both appointees are dead. "Dead or alive, they're still good men and I expect them to do a bang-up job!" remarked Bush, who farted audibly to emphasize the point.

Elsewhere forensic experts discovered traces of President Bush's seminal fluid in Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's mesial groove. When asked about this by reporters, a clearly-exasperated Bush snapped, "Well whaddaya think I meant when I called her my 'work wife'?'"