mock borowitz: Iraqi Shocker!

"ABU GHRAIB, Iraq, March 2 - The American military's major detention centers in Iraq have swelled to capacity and are holding more people than ever, senior military officials say. The growing detainee population reflects recent changes in how the military has been waging the war and in its policies toward detainees, the officials say."

The above from today's (4 March 05) New York Times. We continue the story:

"The plan now," said Colonel Schiesskopft, chief executive officer in charge of Iraqi detention and waterboarding, "is to continue to detain more and more Iraqis until we've got the entire native population under lock and key. We're betting this will significantly decrease the incidence of terrorist attacks."

When asked by reporters about this change of policy, White House spokesman Scott McClellan referred to it as a "bold move," and "one that will be good for Iraq, good for America, and, moreover, good for business." No-bid contracts to construct the approximately 50,000 needed detentions centers have been awarded to Halliburton -- which contracts should net the company an estimated five hundred billion dollars over the next ten years. Shortly after the announcement of the contracts, Vice President and Ex-Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney was overheard clicking his heels thrice while humming merrily the tune "We're in the Money!"

McClellan also announced that the White House has named recently-sprung jailbird Martha Stewart to a post as special advisor for interior design in the new prison system. "Looks like this year shackles will be a good thing," remarked Ms. Stewart.

Elsewhere, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez tapped ex-White House correspondent Jeff Gannon as a special consultant on internet obscenity. "We thought Jeff was a good fit for the job," remarked Gonzalez, "a very tight fit."

Go ahead Jeff!